mint

okay okay okay.

i've thought about writing but it hasn't been coming to me, or maybe the things i want to say, they're not meant for other eyes.

dating has felt tiring, science has been stagnant for a while, band is on break for the summer, summer feels like summer... and i'm trying to remember who i want to be and how i want to grow.

i made a mint syrup yesterday, blanching the mint, blending it, straining it, tasting it. meticulous but also not at all. cooking doesn't always succeed but it succeeds more often than my experiments, a respite.

yesterday a worship song snuck into my shuffle and i found myself listening, trying to feel something, wondering if i could will myself back to feeling something.

loneliness. this weekend, alone in my apartment, seeing friends but alone in the in between, in the evenings, trying to clean and cook, what is it all for? crying easily at books and tv, sensitive, been sensitive for a bit now.

going on a couple dates with a boy, feeling hopeful, something doesn't work, feeling devastated, and again, and again. it's silly and stupid and i don't want to write about it here but maybe i do. because i feel stuck and something needs to unstick.

what is it all for?

work, cook, clean, errands, vacation, weddings, dates, food, drink, endless over and over until it's not anymore. and i remain so scared of the not, and yet so dissatisfied in the here. why can't i be happier more grateful more curious more kind, when i remember that these days are limited, will i ever find a peace with where i am?

when the world is so devastating every day, so far and so near, and here i am stuck in my own lil brain.

there are moments— a small child waving at me, a summer student in the lab thrilled to be here, a friend who tells me i'm not crazy— and these moments make me feel seen, here, more.

how does one become content in oneself yet striving for more always?