berlin
13.02 miles
goodbye, sisyphus
we didn’t need you anyway
push through all this ivy
here’s a hand, now here’s a faceisland eyed sister
she would fight the ocean beast
in this fickle give and take
pray to find a different fate grassy green full of strangers
courage is a catching thing
slip your hand in mine
hold me while the sparrows singmemories, they fall apart
fell into each other’s arms
wandering these streets of yours
it’s not fair if i want more watch the leaves, they fall
into the lake, into the ground
stare into the blue
we’ll falter til we find the truth you were laughing with your friends
drinking beers with day old bread
missed the moment, then it kept me
wide awake for days on endsimple story arcs
made it all so complicated
friendships, change, oh, love and such
something lost, something expanded 
i’m still embarrassed to strava a city walk but in this case it meant that i met up with a lovely friend who i hadn’t known was also in berlin, so. i’m not sure what to write— berlin and her ivy coated walls feel far now, travels warps the brain, in a good way this time, i think. the kind of warp that makes me feel grateful for both the away and for the here. it’s an elitist and privileged activity to walk aimlessly and even more so to judge and compare cities, i feel extra conscious (and for what?)
the area we stayed in had all the fancy american brands and what-i-imagined-for-berlin-design-y stores. as i kept walking things became more industrial, quite a gray city. gray and green, lots of parks.
germans hold eye contact longer than i am used to, perhaps more so since i was alone, hard to tell. or most people didn’t make eye contact but the people who did did so very intensely.
this gate was a lot smaller then expected (alt. the gate was a lot bigger when i was closer to it)
other observations i had noted down: a baby!, cello being played in the subway, monday morning bikers, a mohawk, much much graffiti, three asian women bakers in a window, free palestine, an IV drip storefront, ivy ivy ivy (my friend later told me it is not ivy but another plant i forget what it was), people peeking out of windows, people standing on lil balconies, people smoking from balconies, cigarette holders, pink hijab and pink baby, trench coats and baggy shorts, a cluster of food delivery bikers, complementary green outfits, a group of construction workers peering in a window at a weed plant, i think.
i didn’t know berlin had a river, it’s nice. i guess a lot of cities have rivers. i went to an event along the la river the other day and i kept laughing at how ridiculously silly la is. but berlin rejected me and my two friends from two clubs (the inspiration for the first verse of the song above), and la would never do that to you.
(the first verse of the song above was written with my friend sofo and a new hostel friend yuexi, feels vulnerable to share an audio clip but songs have been most of my writing these days, made mistakes but too lazy to try to record it better, can’t help but caveat oops.)
i got confused and thought people were walking on the left side of the sidewalk until my friend later reminded me that cars drive on the right in germany…
silly.
ivy ivy ivy ivy
i thought berlin was rather cold (cruel), in case anyone asked for my opinion, and i guess i do like someone to be friendly. berlin didn’t really want you to stay, or she didn’t really care if you did. on my layover in london the security workers were a bit louder and ruder, and i dunno, maybe i preferred that.
i saw the berlin wall at the east side gallery and mauer park, and it’s interesting (for lack of better word) to me how prevalent the wall is, this commemoration of a dark time of history, covered in ironic paintings and being used as a photo spot for tourists. i thought berlin would be more diverse, but maybe my observation was biased by the places i walked, or maybe i was deceived by the berlin book my book club read (in the end it was all about love by musa okwonga). (all of the asian restaurants were fusion; i expected more from you, berlin.)
often i feel sad when i travel (my wise friend said this is because one has more time to think and reflect and wonder), but i felt quite content and overwhelmingly grateful for most of this trip. and while i always have overwhelmingly enough to be grateful for, it is not always easy to be grateful in the moment, and so that in it of itself is a blessing. reflective conversations with friends leave me with more questions and fewer answers— how to live a fulfilling life? is that what is most important? what do i do next? how to do more for this cynicism-inspiring world? is it ever enough? the search for love? the nature of different friendships, the evolution of friendship? are berliners more judgmental of white or poc americans? why are berliners so obsessed with harnesses?
i’m sleepy now, and it’s too late for a sunday night, and i blame the non-decaf coffee and chai i had in the afternoon, and i wonder if it’s all just placebo, am i up late because i think i’m supposed to be awake? i guess i think everything is placebo and everything is a cult.